Middle Moments [Post Transfer #2]

There are these moments, in between conversations, when I feel so lost.  Part of me want to go all out and relax, be the girl that makes her friends laugh.  Part of me wants to shrink inside, to freak out and be the girl that leans on friends' shoulders.  There's another part, a smaller piece, that wants to be the freaked out girl who makes her friends laugh, who doesn't always know what to say or do, but plunges in for better or worse.

That small bit seems to get pushed to the side all the time.  I'm either crazy or depressed, confident or insecure, bossy or apologizing.  It's like the middle ground is hiding from me.  Or maybe, I'm just hiding from myself.  It's weird, right?  I'm just being silly?  Is this how girls feel all the time? 

I'm so used to hanging around boys that I've begun to think I have to act like them, talk like them, agree with them.  When I'm in my right headspace, I can retain my own thoughts and walk the line.  But then these moments come up and I freeze.  It's all boy around me.  I either let my thoughts loose or chain them up.  I don't think, or I overanalyze.  Can't I just act normal?

But I guess, I'd have to know what normal is, then.  So now, I just stay in the moment.  I stretch it out for ages and everybody gets tugged along.  If they don't want to come, I freak.  If they come along 'cause they're too nice to do otherwise, I freak.  I need to find a place where I don't have to freak!