I want to stop.


I don't know if anyone's out there, but, hello! I've never been much for keeping a blog, like really blogging, or journaling or whatnot. Promised I made to myself are very easily broken. Promises I make to people are less easily broken, but still broken all the time. Strictly speaking, this is my writing blog, so it's supposed to be filled with stuff related to "my writing side," but since I deleted my other stagnant blogs that I never posted on, this could be a journalesque type blog too.

It won't happen, at least, not in any regular sort of way. Writing seems to be escaping me, or really, academic writing has. For several months I managed to suppress my creative instincts and didn't write fiction all that time. My poetry definitely got worse too. But now, now that I'm failing Comp, now my writing side has come back in, well, part force, but still, it's back and I don't know how to push it away again. I'm craving it so badly. My heart literally, and yes, I mean literally, aches because schoolwork right now is just so hard. I'm really struggling. My homework is always late, my ability to participate in class discussion is disintegrating, and my interest in learning has just stopped. It's been really hard going through the summer. I desperately need a break from school, and not just the ten day summer break we get in August. I understand that in order to complete the course before Christmas, we have to keep going, but why can't we take away one week of being in Italy? Italy is going to be amazing, but I'd still trade a week there for another week in August.

I get that I'm so frustrated that I don't give my 100%. I know that I need to give it my best effort. But the longer this goes on, the more my "oomph" goes away. I told my mom that I could do it. I told her I didn't want to drop out and join the next class. And I don't. I just want to drop out. I really do. I really do not want to be here.

I just had a weekend in MI at my favorite place in the world. It wasn't enough. I cry so easily these days. Honestly, I prefer it to not crying, but the things I cry over just make me angry. I've always been more of a quitter than I finisher. I intend to see this through, but it's breaking me. It's really breaking me. I guess this is where I rely on God to carry my sorrows and shame, my brokenness and pain. Oh, Esse! Give me the grace to give you everything and give me the strength to want to!

I want to stop.
Not turn back, not retrace my steps.
I want an easier way to the top.
Everything is weighing me down.
I wake up and feel weighed down.
I close my eyes and feel weighed down.
2:46, 10:21, any time, any place,
I feel weighed down.
It's like I'm underground.
It's like I'm trapped outside my skin,
It's like I'm wrapped around inside a tiny cage
And no one hears me crying
Or cares that I'm lying on concrete
My life is not complete
I'm still got so many things to do
So much life to live and air to breathe
I've got people to love, people who love me
Hugs to share, friends to lift up
How can I life them up when I am so down?
I'm stuck here in this cage underground!
No one to hear my crying
No one sees I'm dying inside
Outside, my skin is raw and creaking
My bones are thin and breaking
My lungs of full of dust
I can't breathe!
But no one sees!
Perhaps that's because I don't want them to.
I'm ugly and failing and my trembling is
Trying to escape my bones
I have no home
I have to fight
But I want to run away
From this cage, from this rage, from being weighed down
From being stuck underground
There's no light!
There's no shadow, or it's all shadow
And everywhere I look
There's another book
Trying to entrance
I need another chance
I need a hand
I need, I need, I want, I want
I want to stop!

You're not really blind, are you?
You see more than me
You know more than I'll ever know
You know what's it's like to be weighed down
But you are lifted up now.
Do you think, maybe, you can life me up too?
Maybe I could sit beside you
Or only at your feet.
That'd be enough for me.
To breathe.
With you beside me.